getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
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Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?