ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
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[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
I don’t know what to do
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Confused owl: What?!
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.