Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
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Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.