Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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The booster protects against what, now?
I don’t know what to do
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Mornin
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth