(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
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I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Money is the root of all wealth
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.