No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
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I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again