I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
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Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
How it started: How it’s going:
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
May never get over this
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter