HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
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Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis