Cats (2019)
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still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Mountain Goat : )
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Trumpy Cat
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Order here:
More here:
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent