My flabber has been gasted.
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Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT