If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
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#ProTip
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
These are too funny not to post 😂
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*