Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
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I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.