don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
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If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Generation gap…
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark