Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
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not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I’m having an out of money experience.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap: