My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
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[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
The legends speak of a third Duran…
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.