I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.