Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
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A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.