Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
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Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!