I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
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Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.