Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
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A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Admin smashed it 😂
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Trumpy Cat
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies