No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy