Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
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BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.