My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
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[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
That’s not how days work.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
being a writer on Twitter:
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask