The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
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Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Can’t. Being lazy.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail