My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
You Might Also Like
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Hey i am sexy to you now
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.