Funny Tweeter

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Page of Tmoney68's best tweets

@Tmoney68 : A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

@Tmoney68: Not saying I'm lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn't have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

@Tmoney68: Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

@Tmoney68: I'm going to be an "adult" film star. You'll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

@Tmoney68: Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it's the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he's seen.

@Tmoney68: *quietly opens cheese wrapper*

*dogs come running from upstairs*

Me: How the hell did you hear that?

[10 minutes later]

*gf quietly opens bag of chips*

Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?

@Tmoney68: [Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

@Tmoney68: Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

@Tmoney68: [Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

@Tmoney68: "Sorry about your dress."
"Sorry about the nudity."
"Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." -

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.