Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Tmoney68's best tweets

@Tmoney68 : Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right? Me: I don’t have air conditioning. Friend: How do you stay cool? Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away* Friend: Holy shit.

@Tmoney68: *playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

@Tmoney68: If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

@Tmoney68: My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He's become my Eminemesis.

@Tmoney68: Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

@Tmoney68: [Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

@Tmoney68: A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

@Tmoney68: Not saying I'm lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn't have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

@Tmoney68: Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

@Tmoney68: I'm going to be an "adult" film star. You'll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.