Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Tmoney68's best tweets

@Tmoney68 : Her: You sound hoarse. What's wrong? *flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home* Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

@Tmoney68: Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:

Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer

LEGO Chewables

Nicotine Patch Dolls

Barbie's Poorly Wired Dream House

@Tmoney68: Turducken? My food rules are few, but I'd put "don't eat a food with 'turd' in its name" in my top 5.

@Tmoney68: If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don't give him the skills.

@Tmoney68: [Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I'm fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

@Tmoney68: A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

@Tmoney68: Times I've gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I've leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

@Tmoney68: In hell, it's always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for "one more quick question."

@Tmoney68: [Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

@Tmoney68: Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone's currently casting a production of "West Side Story."