@Tmoney68: Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie's Poorly Wired Dream House
@Tmoney68: Turducken? My food rules are few, but I'd put "don't eat a food with 'turd' in its name" in my top 5.
@Tmoney68: If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don't give him the skills.
@Tmoney68: [Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I'm fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
@Tmoney68: A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
@Tmoney68: Times I've gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I've leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
@Tmoney68: In hell, it's always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for "one more quick question."
@Tmoney68: [Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
@Tmoney68: Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone's currently casting a production of "West Side Story."