They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
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Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
so this horse walks into a bar
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now