Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
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Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
i prefer mine room temperature.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche