Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TuSoonShakur's best tweets

@TuSoonShakur : FRED: right

@TuSoonShakur: {first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

@TuSoonShakur: Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

@TuSoonShakur: High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

@TuSoonShakur: *ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

@TuSoonShakur: "The floor is larva."

- Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

@TuSoonShakur: The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

@TuSoonShakur: HAMMER PANTS: can't touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can't touch this

@TuSoonShakur: pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that's where we'll build it, yes.

@TuSoonShakur: [on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.