Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
You Might Also Like
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
pelicons
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE