Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
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Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I’m doing the lords work (judging)