Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
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Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.