@TweetPotato314: me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

@TweetPotato314: me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

@TweetPotato314: Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

@TweetPotato314: billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

@TweetPotato314: me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

@TweetPotato314: pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

@TweetPotato314: me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

@TweetPotato314: me: *breathlessly* I need a copy of to kill a mockingbird right fucking now

librarian: what’s the big hurr-

[a giant winged shadow darkens the doorway]

@TweetPotato314: me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here