@TweetPotato314: [sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
@TweetPotato314: mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
@TweetPotato314: wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
@TweetPotato314: i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
@TweetPotato314: date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
@TweetPotato314: imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
@TweetPotato314: was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
@TweetPotato314: crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder