@TweetPotato314: [sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

@TweetPotato314: mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

@TweetPotato314: wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

@TweetPotato314: i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

@TweetPotato314: date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

@TweetPotato314: imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

@TweetPotato314: [1994]

dad: are you looking forward to Christmas

me: yes, i cant wait!!

dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?

@TweetPotato314: was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

@TweetPotato314: crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder