@TweetPotato314 : Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
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@TweetPotato314: [running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we've both moved on
@TweetPotato314: date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
@TweetPotato314: me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and....
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
@TweetPotato314: boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
@TweetPotato314: Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
@TweetPotato314: Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
@TweetPotato314: murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
@TweetPotato314: wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
@TweetPotato314: [first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up