@TweetPotato314: me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

@TweetPotato314: [the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

@TweetPotato314: [texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

@TweetPotato314: mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

@TweetPotato314: Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

@TweetPotato314: [running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we've both moved on

@TweetPotato314: date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

@TweetPotato314: me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and....

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

@TweetPotato314: boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes