@TweetPotato314: murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

@TweetPotato314: wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

@TweetPotato314: [first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

@TweetPotato314: Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no... i’m stuck in the chimney

@TweetPotato314: just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

@TweetPotato314: there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

@TweetPotato314: doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are....you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

@TweetPotato314: clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

@TweetPotato314: People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.