@TweetPotato314: clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

@TweetPotato314: People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

@TweetPotato314: warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

@TweetPotato314: cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

@TweetPotato314: me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

@TweetPotato314: [sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

@TweetPotato314: mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

@TweetPotato314: wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

@TweetPotato314: i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”