@TweetPotato314: murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
@TweetPotato314: wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
@TweetPotato314: [first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
@TweetPotato314: Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no... i’m stuck in the chimney
@TweetPotato314: just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
@TweetPotato314: there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
@TweetPotato314: doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are....you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
@TweetPotato314: clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky