Funny Tweeter

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Page of TweetPotato314's best tweets

@TweetPotato314 : Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years Me: punching a goose in its mouth Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

@TweetPotato314: [running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we've both moved on

@TweetPotato314: date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

@TweetPotato314: me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and....

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

@TweetPotato314: boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

@TweetPotato314: Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

@TweetPotato314: Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

@TweetPotato314: murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

@TweetPotato314: wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

@TweetPotato314: [first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up