You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
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The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
back to work
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies