Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
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My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.