mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
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I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Bro what is this
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.