[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
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*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Awwwww shit.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.