every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
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What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”