Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
those birds must be on payroll
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.