Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
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Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
That time Alicia messaged me
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.