My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
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“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.