*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
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Ape together strong
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-