My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
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by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Finally!
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.