Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
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i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*