Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
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[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled