Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
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As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Ugh but profoundly
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.