Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
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Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena