CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
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Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.