Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
You Might Also Like
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God