Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
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I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
The real reason evolution started..😂
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol