Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
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Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey