I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
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Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull