There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
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Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
💁🏻♂️
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant